And I can't spell or understand why it's not Old Lang Sign.
It's New Years Eve. I'm going to be sleeping at the stroke of midnight but this night has become increasingly boring in the past few years. I think more about how long into 2009 I will write 2008 on stuff. I'm thinking by my birthday I'll get it..and that is in March, folks.
I'm getting more disillusioned by the holidays every year and NOT because I don't like to buy gifts or I'm just being a bastard. The greed and expectations become overwhelming. Adults ( well, me) stress over the perfect gift for someone that genuinely expects you/me to fill a part of them that is lacking with a trinket instead of looking inward to the real cause of their emptiness. And I watched, for 2 days, kids open gifts only to be completely overwhelmed and exhausted while they were passed more boxes. This kind of gift giving not only takes away from the spirituality that we express in the faded plastic nativity scene in our yards but doesn't give the giver or the receiver joy. Where is the joy?
My joy came this year by disappointing everyone. I donated money to charity in honor of my family members and printed certificates that listed where the money went and how it will be used 100%. I tailored the charity to the recipient based on how I know them. Animal lovers, cancer survivors, etc. I've have only heard back from one recipient and it was only in passing as he asked about whether I sent him a big Ghiridelli chocolate gift basket. No, I didn't send a damn luxury food basket but thanks for acknowledging that your gift helped saved 20 animals in a shelter. Yeah me.
I take that back. My best friend gets me and I'm continually amazed that we do not have to speak to get the message across. She gave me joy.
So, it appears that I'm expecting something too, right? I'm expecting acknowledgment for doing something different. For trying to bring contentment or meaning back to a spiritual holiday. Both for myself and for them. But there are endless possibilities to someone's definition of holidays so I can't be bold enough to say that anything I think is right. But this is just what I'm feeling more and more. What's really sad is that I begin to shut down just after Thanksgiving as I try to dam the pressure of what I should be doing verses doing what is motivated by my emotions. Sappy, isn't it?
By Oct, it's splattered all over TV about the spirit of the holidays...globally what I see is a market/media driven spirit of buying and desperation. Filling emotional voids with material junk. If I look close I will see great spirits and acts of unimaginable kindness, and these are small feats that have intention behind them not tokens bought out of obligation. Let me see and do more of these. Do little things for others, give to what is truly lacking in someone's life. Something deeper like actions. Nursing homes are a great place to start if you don't know what people need. It smacks you in the face when you walk in the door.
Whoever is reading this - if I never buy you anything, please do not be offended. I probably just want to be with you more than anything at special times. No gifts. I am inadequate with still so much to learn and apply in life; and can never predict what people around me really need but I can guarantee that it can't be bought. I can't end this without the disclaimer that my thoughts apply to me too - don't vie for the best material thing under the tree. Be a presence instead of more presents.
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