Wednesday, September 7, 2011

"It's not you, it's me"

Yes, it's been a while and I just can't help it. Oh well.

I have two kids and I won't offer up any apologies for crazy language or outright honesty. " I used to care but now I take a pill for that"

Max's birth was my last effort at a natural birth and it was an epic fail - other than having a beautiful baby boy that holds my heart in his bright little eyes. There were drugs that I could not exercise my right to say no to, there were uncontrollable circumstances that were so stressful that all I could do was pray and lay there hoping for it pass quickly, and nurses that got smart mouthed with a pregnant woman at her birth time. Metaphorically, she pulled back a bloody lip. I haven't come to terms with his birth so I can't write it now, even 4 months out.

BUT, I AM continuing my minds eye picture of myself - post-apocalyptic Mom. Think Mad Max meets June Cleaver. Necessities hanging from carabiners on my purse filled with everything that a demanding kid/boss/husband could want. I walk clanging to the car with only a moments notice to whip out the coveted item before some sort of meltdown occurs. Avoidance is the name of the game here. Avoid the meltdown and it's just easier that way. BTW I have a cool twisty John Wayne in an A line skirt walk too.

Avoidance may be the name of the game but the mental energy that it takes to anticipate any and all demands of kids/boss/husband makes my neurons stretch to their limit. Imagine several overstretched rubber bands breaking and snapping back to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody. That's why I'm in therapy.

Therapy isn't really the right word for what I'm doing. Well, ok, yes it is. I prefer a more descriptive title like "Work/Life Balance Class". That sounds more like a frivolous night class at a community college rather than the "Jesus H. Christ, I can't take it anymore!" session that is actually happening. But, it is what it is and if I need to change then I need to find the tools to do so. Fast.

"It's not you, it's me". And sometimes it really IS just me. Leave it to me to feel like I have to fix everything to everyone's satisfaction. Productive? No. Unnecessary? Yup. And where the hell does this compulsion come from?? Not only does this impossible task wear me out just trying to find it's source is mind numbing - how did I become a fixer?!

In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy the moments that are passing me by at warp speed. Hank is growing up and I have little Max who is the embodiment of joy. I've said it numerous times but I really do see how parents tune out noise and I've expanded that to tuning out BS. The only way I can handle life is a jumbo sized filter for frivolous BS which is unnatural for me given my last paragraph. Again, hence the "Balance Class".

An unintended consequence of this it that I've had folks think that I have turned on them. Helping them understand the necessity of this is proving to be difficult when it's family - but it is temporary! Other than the presence of G Dub and my kids ( and can I just say now that having the words kid be plural is still so weird!) I can firmly say that NOTHING is constant anymore. I'll be back just give me some room for crying out loud!

My mind keeps reminding me that I am a person unto myself by thinking of how I want to improve or coming up with new things that I want to do. G Dub reminds me too that I overextend, over-analyze and overdo. But there is just so much cool stuff to do and be part of! This is how I can jump the chasm of lamenting about being overstressed to spearheading efforts to create a program for teen moms at a local ministry.
I waffle back and forth daily....shoot, sometimes hourly! I'm tiring to watch. Or to read :D

I'll get back to writing letters to my boys soon. Hank is still a challenge and having Max just added to the happiness we already had in abundance. He's a happy baby and I'm a happy Momma!