Monday, September 13, 2010

Eatin' It

I’m keenly aware of humanity today as I walk from my car into work. It’s almost a mile walk so I have time. Looking around you can tell what kind of day people are having so far by the looks on their face or their body language. Some are nonchalantly smoking by the VA hosp. They need a break already today. Many are walking swiftly in to work with appointments and deadlines already on their minds, cell phones in hand. These folks are oblivious to the beautiful foliage or the smell of an early fall in the air. I feel bad for them. That Blackberry provides no sensual stimulation; contradicting what the name implies.

I’m also keenly aware of the dread I feel in my stomach. That dread of when you know something is up and the foreseen outcome is unsavory. Instinct tells me to run, retreat to the safe place. The definition of safe place is somewhere on a mountain top where I can bang my head on the side of the cave and daydream without fear of judgement. Oh yeah, and not shave. But when the “benefits” of being there are needed for living it’s not like one can just deny the spoon feeding of shit. Or can you?

It’s a double edged sword. Be autonomous and you are rebellious or aren’t a team player. Be a suck up yes man and you have no dignity. Of course, there are those that are happy. Content with the ebb and flow that are comparable only to marriage. Who are these people and why can’t I consistently be one? My expectations are not high, as always, but can you find a bright spot when you have no autonomy? And it can always be worse. It’s not a sweatshop.

But when it’s over, it’s over. When the last drop of satisfaction is crushed out of the ambient environment, it’s time to move on and not look back. Which I never do anyway.