An interesting women's topic has come up a few times in the last month. The topic of losing yourself in your marriage and how to find where she ran off to when she spoke those vows. Do women fix this, in a cheesy How Stella Got Her Groove Back kind of way, or just resign ourselves that this is just part of it?
A fix that I find most appealing defies the general attitude of how we live together as a couple. Living together 24/7 is the general rule but does it have to be that way? Can we have a retreat to escape to when we only want to be surrounded with objects or desires that we chose for ourselves or go get a coffee at 10pm without justification? No cheating, just a personal retreat. Outwardly, it can be seen as the ultimate “It’s not you, it’s me”. Inwardly, it actually it is.
What’s so wrong about this? I haven’t found anything yet other than hurting the spouses feelings over not wanting to be up their ass everyday and considering their needs, wants, opinions in all facets of decision making. I’ve lost, or never had, the skill to decide exactly what I want without turning to someone else. What if I want to choose the paint color of my bedroom not based on “Am I going to have to wake up to THAT every morning?” What if I don’t care what they think? Well, that’s just not being married then, is it?
Or is it? Needing this kind of space isn’t about not wanting to be with someone. It can, however, be about attaining the mental clarity to really be there for them in the long run. It can be about knowing yourself a little better and make better decisions. It can be about finding room in your head to let the love you share grow. Even if you have kids, I foresee this being a positive. I’m still me. So what if I can help show him respect for women’s space. That even taking a husband’s last name is a step in being encompassed in someone else’s convention of what should happen. It’s kind of hard to remember that we have a choice to do this or not when you are all caught up in the funness of a wedding and all that romantic crap. Initially, I was not going to change my name but guess what……well, you know what happens here.
And what’s so wrong about that? Nothing. If that’s the way you want it. The wonderful thing is that not everyone feels this way and that’s great. But the first time a gal gets talked out of the simplest of actions can be a rude awakening that what‘s in her head isn’t as important as what the other wants her to do. If she can live with that, so be it.
This post isn’t about devaluing marriage. Marriage is a valuable and necessary part of being human and loving someone to your fullest capacity. If you can survive it :D
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Wisdom to a Younger Self
When asked if I'd ever go back I usually say no, unless I'm going back to be 34. No, I don't want to go back. But there are a few things that I'd like to tell her; if she would only listen.
Know the freedom that you have now. Whatever you feel is tying you down now is nothing compared to what will bind you later. Go and do the crazy things that your family do not understand while you can. When you are older you will be perceived as trying too hard and judged as immature. "oh grow up" will be something you hear often so get used to it. You will crave your freedom like your hair blowing in the wind.
Say the hard words without fear. You are worth your thoughts and entitled to express them. Don't skip out of town leaving chaos in your wake for someone else to clean up. What's the worst that can happen? Those that really know you and love you will not leave. These same people will let you leave if you need to but be careful; they may not take you back. Be grateful when they do.
Live freely but have definite goals to attain. The world will push you into "good enough" without strength, courage, and conviction on your part. You are passionate so use it to create your life so you are happy and not settling. And be patient when others do not understand and ask you questions. Criticism is part of life; be able to explain yourself so you don't feel so alone.
Do not accept the status quo - push for better. So much of what you think doesn't matter right now does and you'll only know it later when all you can do is apologize and hope it's accepted. Or scramble to catch up.
Heal quickly. That grudge you are famous for reinforces the walls around you. Shutting out the world doesn't feel any better than being hurt by it and moving on.
Release the fear pockets brought on by loss from your heart . The love of your life, your PawPaw, amongst others are not coming back so let your heart relax to feel whole emotions. Don't let that love of your life steal the love you will feel your whole life. There are too many years ahead for you to be feeling only half of what's available to you. Cry and throw things when you need to.
Accept who you are and be ok with her. In your quest for acceptance, don't lose yourself. It will be many years before you find that you already fit in the world and have a awesome part to play. Begin playing early so you don't miss a minute.
Slow down. Angela you wanted to be grown when you were just a baby. Your mom's favorite story is one where you were 5 or so and wanted to move out just so you could cuss. She told you then that being grown was hard so why the rush? Independence comes with a price, as all things do, so slow down and enjoy yourself. Be prepared for the many years ahead of you.
Know the freedom that you have now. Whatever you feel is tying you down now is nothing compared to what will bind you later. Go and do the crazy things that your family do not understand while you can. When you are older you will be perceived as trying too hard and judged as immature. "oh grow up" will be something you hear often so get used to it. You will crave your freedom like your hair blowing in the wind.
Say the hard words without fear. You are worth your thoughts and entitled to express them. Don't skip out of town leaving chaos in your wake for someone else to clean up. What's the worst that can happen? Those that really know you and love you will not leave. These same people will let you leave if you need to but be careful; they may not take you back. Be grateful when they do.
Live freely but have definite goals to attain. The world will push you into "good enough" without strength, courage, and conviction on your part. You are passionate so use it to create your life so you are happy and not settling. And be patient when others do not understand and ask you questions. Criticism is part of life; be able to explain yourself so you don't feel so alone.
Do not accept the status quo - push for better. So much of what you think doesn't matter right now does and you'll only know it later when all you can do is apologize and hope it's accepted. Or scramble to catch up.
Heal quickly. That grudge you are famous for reinforces the walls around you. Shutting out the world doesn't feel any better than being hurt by it and moving on.
Release the fear pockets brought on by loss from your heart . The love of your life, your PawPaw, amongst others are not coming back so let your heart relax to feel whole emotions. Don't let that love of your life steal the love you will feel your whole life. There are too many years ahead for you to be feeling only half of what's available to you. Cry and throw things when you need to.
Accept who you are and be ok with her. In your quest for acceptance, don't lose yourself. It will be many years before you find that you already fit in the world and have a awesome part to play. Begin playing early so you don't miss a minute.
Slow down. Angela you wanted to be grown when you were just a baby. Your mom's favorite story is one where you were 5 or so and wanted to move out just so you could cuss. She told you then that being grown was hard so why the rush? Independence comes with a price, as all things do, so slow down and enjoy yourself. Be prepared for the many years ahead of you.
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