Friday, August 15, 2008

Irrepairable damage

I know I am personally and spiritually responsible for what I write but I don’t think I’ll ever stop struggling with why these words are here. In my brain. Ready to be purged just when the time is right. Grammatically incorrect and socially irresponsible.

The times when I am most uninhibited is when I scare myself the most. But my consciousness is open, my thoughts free and words come pouring out. I feel more myself and less of a victim of identity crisis. Forget identity fraud – hell, let someone have my identity- it is still unknown to me. What can they do with it that I can’t?

When heart hinges open and pure desire threatens to enrage, drooling red intensity, I know I can’t stay here. I would burn. Fanning flames of hell. How would you like to know that not only would you be in hell – you’d be using a billow?

Mercy and Grace. Reigning down for transgressions and meant to comfort but really only make me question my worth. These are more like names parents use on their kids… or burdens. Grace is a burden because I can’t seem to live by the rules without summoning inner demons.

I’ve often wanted to be something, not someone, else throughout my life – it’s a reoccurring thought that helps escape reality. Immature? Absolutely. But will I fight my nature forever? Probably. Good thing I’m not alone and this isn't new. I'm a cliche.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Of a Controlling Nature

Control. Lack of, too much, in search of, total dismissal of it....good lord, get over it.
Control is a formidable opponent but it's a lengthy, tiresome battle. And why do we pull out the WWE moves with it, wear ourselves out, wrangle it our whole lives?? Most folks seem to be actively fighting it or running from it even if spiritually we are told to hand control over to a god-figure. And what part does Ego play in all this? Isn’t it our ego that would tell us we can wield our perceived mighty power over all people and situations? I'm thinking of words like domain and territory.

Watching a close family member unquestionably (and over confidently) think that his world is truly as he made it has cured me of over-controlling my environment. If anything I've gone too far the other way and am pretty apathetic; leaving the world to rule itself. I was visiting family recently and they cracked up at my unrealized motto to myself - It Just Is What It Is. I said it a few times too many. Sounds like I've given up, right?

Luckily, I don't think I have. Or I’m just trying to justify to myself that it’s ok to be mentally lazy! Seriously though, acknowledgement of forces in this world that I have absolutely nothing to do with is comforting to my small brain. It leaves room for more fun thoughts like “ I wonder what we would look like if there were no noses, hmmmm

Weird thing is, while I don’t necessarily buy the argument that one person can rule their world, I do believe in the power of one person changing the world. One person’s donation to a cause or caring words can always do SOMETHING good. Collectively speaking, we all do huge things, both positive and negative. I'll never know what these somethings are but I believe they are there. Somewhere in the universe, I don’t even care where. It doesn’t matter. Or is this is where you give it up to God and believe in every day mysteries?

Monday, August 4, 2008


Is anyone else aware that there is a sect of soccer moms dedicated to the collection of coupons and free products?! I was just enlightened. They look very distinct - reminiscent of Trapper Keepers and folders with pictures of puppies and kitties and stuff.

They might devote enough mental energy to power Las Vegas into their coupon search but damn, gals got it going on with the $$$! Maybe they'll let me be an underling amongst them and keep my leather zipper notebook with a secret "Money Saver" divider, a little tiny calculator and list of all the free crap coming my way. I'm all about not advertising my manias!
I won't be able to mentally power a blog listing out what I bought and the coupons and the savings and the reward points and then what I bought with the points and then who I'm giving the products to..and, and, and, but I'll get the pointers - only the easy ones though.

Thank you gals for doing all the hard work - I'll be the happy gleaner in the back....