Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Twisted Demented

Disclaimer: If you are offended or concerned by demented comments, swear words or other forms of unsavory expression PLEASE stop reading! Stop reading right now. Don't be curious. Just close the window and wait for a more readable post. I'm serious. If you just have to read it, don't judge. We're all together on this scary boat ride and I'm making a whole bunch of stuff up.

The website reads "Depression can be a symptom of weaning". What about psychosis? What about the irresistable urge to eat the cat that gets on my nerves every damn day? How about bathing in gin and tonic? OR Xing out all the eyes of the pretty put -together mommy models in parenting magazines. As always, use real women as models and give us a break. Sounds like schizophrenia to me! God, please help this pass as quickly as possible before someone looses a limb and I beat them with it. This part I'm not making up.

It doesn't help that I've been reading one of my favorite authoresses Amy Sedaris. I've always thought she rocked, her brother David too who I just saw at a literary concert at the Rymen. I took G Dub to try to culture him up but his take away message was from a short story that contained the t-shirt saying "Keep sucking, I'll make more." Awesome, honey. Guess it was kinda nice that he was listening even though it took him a long time to figure out that Sedaris is a very gay, very very very liberal, gay, did I mention he was gay?, man. And wonderful in his assessment of our culture and I don't even have to necessarily agree with it.

Amy is different. Different like me different. FINALLY! Isn't it amazing to know your alter ego is out there? All of us know he or she is around somewhere in the world but damn mine is famous and pretty! She, like me, is a doer. Don't listen to the bullshit the comes out of my mouth, look at what I do, how I do it, or what I do about it. All that is unsaid tells all. That sounded all philosophical and I made it up all by myself.
She writes sarcastically. With words thrown in there for charm like back alley abortion. Just totally off the chain in a sentence that had a somewhat serious beginning! It hits you quick like a tiny fake orgasm. Oh, don't roll your eyes, we've all done it. If not, then good for you. I'll buy you a metal at the Dollar Tree.
Who else better to write a hospitality book? Sedaris the Entertainer? How awesomely tacky?! Tacky like your skirt tucked into your pantyhose. I've never thought of her like that but she does have some great insights about stuff like kids games. Hilariously scary kids games. And she doesn't like rules. Me either.

And crafts?!?!? There's crafts in this book too and ones that I can do! Like decorate cans. Stand aside Martha Stewart, behold my baby formula can decorated with a construction paper pot leaf. Or just googly eyes. I love those things. For anyone that has read my cooking blog you know that I think marshmallows are for nothing more than crafts so decorate a change can with them and see if they mold. I bet they don't. They' ll just harden and fall off.

And I've made this before but without the creative nomenclature and I think it was actually my purse too. A Fuck It Bucket. Get a gallon bucket, fill it with candy, write Fuck It on it. When life gets you down just say Fuck It and get some candy.
Speaking of my cooking blog, you know those creepy pictures I took of rice crispy treats between my teeth - omg, I had no idea that I was demented but she has the same pic with a cheese ball!! See? We mesh.

ok it's late and I'm spiraling down. I'm still the night owl. Now just with bigger talons to rip out your beating heart and show it to you.
Good night.