Thursday, September 11, 2008

Muse-ik = Aural Enjoyment

What is it with harmony that can be felt? How can I listen to the Beatles (Abbey Road, Rubber Soul) or the Stones Let it Bleed and actually feel the textures and vibrations? I feel good, soul stirred, rejuvenated, at least when I stop singing long enough to listen.

A lasting musical memory is buying a 45rpm ( yeah, i know) of John Lennon's Woman in like 1981. I was 8 and couldn't tell why I loved it. He was an old man to me and only been dead a month or so. The loss of this voice didn't really mean anything as I hadn't learned what he was saying yet. But I listened over and over to the sound, without question.
I still have this record and can hear the longing, sorrow and devotion in those words and arrangement; teaching me at an early age a fraction of the dynamics of a relationship. But it's the sound that is etched in my brain.

I'm kinda musically inclined. It's not a talent to match pitch by ear but it's what I do. Sheet music - forget it. I have no connection there. Matter of fact, when I played the french horn in a symphonic band, I'd look like I was playing a new arrangement the first time through to hear the notes but then I'd have it. Yeah - and I was always last chair even though I played all scales in tune my first week of picking up the instrument. Whatever. Let me hear it. I just want to hear it.

What about my voice or my sound? We all have a sound or resonance. What can it tell us? Kirtan, while a Hindu tradition, is a devotional chant session with notes repeated and held to connect to the vibration throughout your body, like the vibration of holding the Om sound. You don't just say it, you feel it and acknowledge what you feel as release of chakra blockages and admit your prana. Lots of mental imagery and sanskrit but, for me, not worship. Sometimes I really don't know what I believe, you know that?! But I want to feel the sound inherent to me as I hope we all do.

While I'm working on that and the 386574 other things I want to do in life, I'll keep listening to the sounds and harmonies that make me happy. Pure.

BTW - I was just told that I would make a great high school teacher. That my personality is perfect!? I thought that was funny.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

35 Already?

This is a thought-line I made up a few months ago..just more warblings.


I’m 35 now. I personally think that this is middle age. If I’ve basically lived half my life then why am I not even half the person I want to be? What have I been doing all this time? I consider myself lucky enough to at least think of the words like authenticate, visualize and sanctify as this life’s journey draws me nearer to the core of whom I’m trying to discover. My love has always been archeology but I had no idea I’d always be looking into my own past and piecing together my own history.

At the 2008 New Year I woke up in the middle of the night to write what turned out to be my most promising set of resolutions yet. With no fewer than 30 action words, this a list of potential. And one that highlighted my true fears – ignorance and the passing of time. I’m in ruthless pursuit, kinetically charged to make potential a reality. Sorry, science geek, I KNOW.

Potential is what I embrace and fear the most. When a person dies, of course, I mourn the loss of their physical presence but I mourn the loss of their potential. Because are we really as bound as we feel at the time? I fear being old and realizing that I was free but ignorant of the opportunity. So goes my theory of wanting my mind to go before my body.

By the purest definition, potential dreams and goals are stored dreams and goals. Nothing becomes of them without the kinetic push of motivation and nothing stops them faster than friction. This friction manifests itself in the lines on our face or gray hair. The crow’s feet beginning in the creases of my eyes tell stories of squinting - trying to look too far into the future. I’ll never forget living in Missouri, listening to tornado sirens and wondering to myself if when I die I can say I lived through a tornado. I was 6 and already both oblivious and inwardly attuned to the vastness of human time. I catch myself now asking myself if I’ll ever get to donate a kidney, will I ever hang prayer flags in Tibet, will I ever go deaf? There is an explanation about the’s not that random. Of all the senses that I may one day lose I would want to lose my hearing first. I may not be able to hear my loved ones voices but I would be able to see their beautiful faces and the colors God made. And, there is a back up, you can always talk with your hands.

Just as the universe has endless potential, so do we. Are we not perfect, complete beings worthy of our best efforts until we pass? Are we ever too old to live how we’ve imagined? But – more importantly – are we allowed to live as we imagined. Quoting Forrest Gump’s momma “ You have to figure that out for yourself.”

Oooooo, Jealousy.

Thank you Natalie Merchant.
For putting such a sweet spin on a distasteful topic.
For almost making it sound okay to be jealous.

Anyway you look at it, let’s face it, I’m jealous. And I KNOW it’s wrong. I keep thinking of a tainted version of Barbara Mandrell “ If being jealous of you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right”

Unfortunately, reader, you’ll have to sit through a conversation between an immature mind and a sometimes wise but heavily fortified heart.

How do we get to the point that our rational thoughts match our undeniable emotions;
when what we know to be true and sane manifests in our facial expressions, body language and words. I do not have the luxury of a facial filter. If I think you are full of shit, my face shows it. Anger is not hidden by a gentile smile. But the positives are there too – if it’s compassion, I have the brow furrow. Giggly? I have a genuine smile. Is all this lack of self control? Is it self centered? Or is it just being honest?

From what I read, if I am to call myself a Christian, then it is a lack of self control. And, I guess I don’t have God in my response to obstacles. Great.
But….wait a minute…..
Oh crap. I think I’ve just crossed over into the realm of blog incongruence – I’m totally contradicting my previous blog about control!! (volume rising…) Argh! JEALOUSY IS ABOUT CONTROL AND A LACK THEREOF!!! Ding Ding Ding! The light bulb flashes are blinding, whew.
Screw derby, better go sign up for WWE cuz here I go wrestling again and had no idea I’d gone Pro!

Ok, so now that I have that figured out. Now what? The emotions are so right there, in my face (and unfortunately, this person is too). I thought that maybe if I said that with smaller print my immaturity wouldn’t be as noticeable – heehee.
But this is a serious issue! I’m suffocating in an environment where I feel, or perceive myself, powerless while someone else acts like they don’t want said power but don’t mind flaunting it in my general direction when they can. Hmph.

I figure now I will be preying ( oops, Freudian) PRAYING that this person goes as far as their talents take them and that they are very successful. OMG – that almost makes me sick to write out it’s so sappy :D
Nope, I’ll be praying for an attitude adjustment for myself. To overlook faulty situations or injustices and truly wish the best for someone else. So, there.