Hank Letter #3 - Scary Love

Here I go making up songs again "We've Got a Scary Kind of Love" by Phil Collins whom I really hate BTW. Oh yeah and I thought of another that went with my last blog " Somebody Done Somebody Thong Song" but I can't think of the artist this second. That's the caliber of subjects that haunt me at 5am.

SO Hank - you are officially 2 months old! Wow! My connection to you has changed so much now that I have accepted that you have left my body "Hank has left the womb". Sorry, but I'll probably have to explain that to you one day along with the songs from the 70's and 80's that I keep referring to. I don't feel empty per se but there is a place that you physically occupied that will never be the same. Now that you are adjusting to the outside world, my bond with you has a whole new meaning. While you are so dependent on me I want to be there - to stay connected to what you need and feel. To keep this connection takes amazing strength that sometimes I have to dig deep to find within - not out of lack of love but as I grow and explore the depth of my strengths and weaknesses I find new pools of power that have never been tapped.
I have to use these new resources to stay sane at times where I would have otherwise walked away as I so commonly do when tough times come along.

As you become independent, our connection will change again but for this moment my unwavering devotion stands firm. I am normally very afraid of this level of love. I know I am capable but I am unsure if I can express it so that you grow to be a secure, open minded man.
I am also realistic enough to know that there are no guarantees that either I will do a good job or that you will accept me. You are your own person already and I hope to never forget that and can guide you well.

I didn't have you without reason. I know I will learn from you probably more than you learn from me but believe me you have no better protector and cheerleader in life. When rough patches appear I'll be with you physically or cheering from the sidelines or even further back if you need room to grow ( that will be hard but it's necessary)
My connection to you is visceral, instinctual and life lasting. You are an extention of your daddy and me and we'll do our best. I don't mind spoiling you with love - is that even possible?

Here's the first pic of your smile that I could get - many more of these will be on the way few shure!

Thong Song

Nothing makes you sexy like being pregnant and granny panties. Slowly I'm getting back to normal with my attire. First, it was shoes. Got two new pair last week for work and I'm digging out my stilettos from the dusty box I packed way back in Nov. last year. Pregnancy will put you in orthopedics or flip flops in January and you won't even care. Not to mention your butt sagging because those nice stretchy waistband just don't stay up.

I've got 20 lbs left to lose before I'm back to pre-baby weight but the weight is in funny places so it's not like I can just go to the attic and pull out my bigger size clothes. My shirts don't fit due to bodacious tatas and pants don't fit because my belly hasn't quite shrunk enough - the arse and legs are fine just no belly room. Now I know how dunlaps happen now I just need to figure out WHY!

Back to the panties. I let my hot mess self go a bit as my panty size went up and up - panty lines meant nothing. I worried about the front of me, not the back. Of course, they didn't LOOK good but they meant absolutely nothing to me as I had bigger things to worry about like vienna sausage toes, early labor and CPR classes. So, now I should be worried about this faux pas since I have no visible excuse ( although I was just asked when I'm due by a woman in a shop but I had a maternity top on so she was excused and I let her head stay). Out came the thongs!! They felt kinda like when a guy puts them on for the first time and then realizes that the back part goes IN the crack - it don't just sit on top of it! But it was nice to know that my back side was at least within normal fashion limits.

Here is a really cute pic of why I let myself go a bit...

Hank Letter #2

Hank,
You are 6 wks old and you have changed so much! You've almost doubled your weight and are a big, healthy boy - the joke is that you are in 3-6 month clothes but it really is true this time. Daddy just used to get annoyed when other people would put a measure of their kid's worth based on what size clothes they were in - if that's the case then clearly I do have the best one!

You have found your hands and suck on them all the time - thank goodness cuz that gives me a break! ;D But you still don't sleep worth a hooey and I've rocked you till we fell asleep in the rocker and you pretty much slipped out of my arms - oops, sorry. I woke up just in time! You are your mother's son since I can rub on your little head and you just zone out and, if I get lucky, you'll conk out!

But you found music today and that made Mommy so happy. You actually perked up at Queen and Eva Cassidy so you have impecible taste! I'll continuously enlighen you with my iPod and make up songs. The latest is " When You're In Love With a Beautiful Baby" by Dr. Hook - pretty catchy if I do say so myself. Mommy and Daddy's song is "Never My Love" by the Association and the words apply to you too so it's our family song!

Grandmomma and Grandaddy are having a hoot with you and just laughing at your farts - you do it a lot and it keeps them entertained. We're easy. Grandaddy is already thinking of carting you around but I've made him wait till you are at least one or so before he takes off with you - he won't change a diaper so if you can't meet that minimum requirement then you can't take him out! But he means well and loves you so much! He calls you the " Little Creature" and just laughs and laughs

Shift change - gotta roll....

Immoral, Indecent or Just Plain Normal?

Hypocrite! That's what I feel like when I blog. I've come to find myself censoring these blogs out of fear. Plain and simple.

Fear that someone may think the topic too out there or TMI. But I have no problem with TMI; it's usually how I roll without embarrassment. A few things are sacred...like maxi pads. I can't seem to talk about them. I think there may be like 2 others but they escape me right now.

Put me in with a group of girls ( or guys who cares) and, at times, it can all just hang out. I don't even need wine like I do to dance. But I do have the decency to know my crowd and normally don't talk much until I've felt out the conversations for social cues and attitudes.

But my real issue is knowing what is off color or not parallel with my religious goals. Is it not acceptable to talk about body functions if you are a religious person? I bet Jesus farted. No really! It's not a sin to fart. But maybe he didn't make a big deal out of it and let it waft under the robes; it's natural so let the disciples figure out who dealt it ;D
Whatever the case, it doesn't lessen the respect and awe I have for him but why does it feel a little wrong?

Amongst other things:
Burping = funny , Va Jay Jays = funny , Me tripping = funny , Big mustaches= funny
Waxing = funny , Wardrobe Malfunctions= funny , Wieners = funny

But there are topics that are funny to me, hilarious really, that I'd love to write about so here goes. Beware and stop reading if you feel you need to.

How many people would have guessed that birth is deemed a sexual experience in some circles? That you are supposed to orgasm when your baby comes out?! My doula is affiliated with folks on The Farm ( I don't know wherel it's at but real live hippies congregate there and have lived communally since the 70's) and although she didn't mandate this it was just passed on to me how sexual birth can be for some ladies.
WHAT?!?
I didn't feel a molecule of sexual anything - not during contractions and certainly not during the birth process. It was like a dam out of body experience with pure function in mind - function being " GET THIS THING OUT!" I guess you are making some of the same noises as when you made it if you wanna get all technical about it but no...no urges of any kind ( eye roll)

And there can't be anything sexual about your boobs being as hard as those inertia balls people have on their desks. They may even make the klink noise if I were to let them hit together.

That's all I have time for tonight so I'll let loose another time - there is plenty where that came from

THAT Mom

Staying tied to the house can turn you into THAT mom. You know them. The ladies that have nothing else to talk about except their baby and ailments or funny stuff they do. Ding ding ding Danger Danger I must get out into the world as soon as humanly possible!

I'm torn about that though, believe it or not. This is a special time for my family; one that will pass and likely fade into my mind's background with each milestone. But what is a gal to do when she is so demon possessed that she cries most of the way through a desperate late night trip to Walmart? During that trip I was laughing at myself too - when I saw the box of Calgon " Take me away" bath crap I wanted to buy all of them OR just open a huge pack of powdered donuts and start stuffing them in my mouth. Oh yeah, and just dare someone to say something to me - good lord, I'll pay for them but I may not pick up the crumbs that I've littered all through the store. I'm picturing my head spinning to the side of the rabid werewolf with red eyes blazing and fangs dripping the blood of husbands that roll their eyes when the baby takes too much time to fall asleep...
I was gone for a whole hour and a half but when I got home my head had spun back to the normal one and my baby's face had gotten more beautiful...I swear it had! Daddy's didn't though - he's was pretty pissed at me but I can handle that one.

I need to get a laptop - I think of the best stuff at 3am. I can't remember any of it when I sit to gab - dang! My mind and memory are coming back but now it's filled with everything baby - I think this is evolutionary. He needs so much care right now that I think God and nature have made it possible to slow your other wants and desires until he gets a little more independent. Like sex. This is, no joke, the longest I've ever went without some sort of play action and while I was pregnant I thought like a spoiled teenager "omg, that's going to be so hard to wait 6 whole WEEKS! Ugh!"
Oh right, 5 weeks have gone by and we could care less. The only action my bed sees is us finally collapsing after having fallen asleep somewhere out in the hallway. I'm finding out that God gives you just what you need even if it is a smaller brain area for your wants ;D

Respect and Projectile Liquids

Never did I think that I wouldn't care about having vomit on me but now I understand that when it's YOUR kid it really doesn't matter when you know they don't feel good. I'll willingly take the hit. I'm a mom.

Hank gave us the full run down of liquids that can literally blow out of a little body last week. For a body so small, they pack quite a psi. Pee hitting your hard wood floor can sound like you've pointed a hose up in the air and let the water hit the pavement. And I actually laugh when it's just pee that I get on my hand; it seems to be the least of the liquids compared to the smelly or gooey ones.
But he has GI issues due to a reaction to cow milk protein expressed in my milk - not an uncommon problem but one that has a lot to endure to nail down. When he's screamed for two days straight and slept only in minute intervals it's hard to concentrate on any symptom in particular but I think we got it now. I'll have to restrict dairy from my diet and that's tough when you're already a vegetarian - oof.

AND I CAN LEAVE THE HOUSE NOW!! YEAH!!! I have to scream that since I have been tied to the house without Gary's help for 3 days. This really thrust motherhood on me but I made it... and he made it. And excellent words of wisdom and encouragement from Julie and other mothers that have been there done that and probably roll their eyes listening to me blather on knowing that this is relatively easy compared to what's to come ;D

From now on I vow to be more compassionate and thought forward. A mere 4 weeks has changed me profoundly as I remember not realizing what friends were going through and not being as much help as I could have been. I'd always heard that some days all you want is a shower or breakfast and now I KNOW that all I want is a shower and breakfast before noon - and that's being generous. I have journied into a new realm of respect for friends and mothers.

So, my boss ( who is a great guy BTW) asked me with great sincerity when I spoke about being a stay at home mom or part time work "So, what will you do with your time if you don't work?" OMG - if I'd had half a brain at that moment I would've said care for my kid! Where is all this "time" you speak of?? I have no knowledge of this "time"...

Speaking of time I witnessed how the passage of time changes people. BabyDaddy and I went to a small car event over the weekend and took Hank to his first car show! As he walked around carrying Hank, men came over and just gazed at him and his little feet poking out of the blanket. Almost every one of them told Gary that they remember their babies and that this one will be driving soon. Several of them had their teenage kids with them and you could just see their eyes go back in time to the most beautiful creature they had ever seen. Men love their babies even if they do things a little different and I hope I give Gary the freedom to be a Daddy.

Oh wait, I think I do that when I quickly hand Hank over to him right as he walks in the door from work...is that a bad thing??!