Opinion Donors Beware

"Opinions are like a-holes, everyone has one." Well, that's a nice, crude way to begin a blog. Taken literally, it's true. Taken thoughtfully, it's apathetic and an emotionally self righteous cop-out. Said plainly "I don't have to listen to you".

Listening to opinions is a sticky gray area that I prefer to not really talk about but there are times that my brain just gets so full of other peoples' seemingly helpful comments that I have the image of the top of my head blowing off. Kapow!

We receive what we give out. If you dish out more than you can receive then you have a problem. If I'm suppressing confrontation of an issue because I know I will encounter defensiveness and do not want to deal with it then I have a problem. No, we both have a problem. Egos.

Ah, the good 'ol ego.

I don't guess I know how to say this other than just blurting it out - What makes an opinion donor entitled to feel like I should respect their thoughts and do as they say? Speaking without persuasive undertones is possible - it's called a discussion. And a discussion between two humble, non-judgemental people is helpful,engaging and often productive. Spitting out opinions with blatant intent to sway due to insecurities is not. If you need to be heard and respected, expecting me to do as you say or do will not get you there. I don't care who you are. Give me reason to respect you and I will, I promise. And I will acknowledge it.

Personally, I do not say the statement with the a-hole reference. But for I do internalize opinions that I hear and, depending on the person, take them into consideration even if my plans differ. We all deserve to be listened to and taken seriously. And oftentimes, humans blow each other off. Ok, fine. But humility is a large factor. I still have to work on this at times, I'm by far no expert on it! Yes, are all entitled to have opinions but is anyone entitled to listen? Not really. If you use the above statement, you better know that.

And I don't mean to be self degrading. My opinions are worth something somewhere in the cosmos I guess. But I can't attach my self worth or self respect to whether I'm being listened to by my peers. That's putting these heavy issues in other people's hands - and do you trust other people to providing you with self worth? Lord, I hope not. Talk about potential for constant disappointment. They cannot do for you what you and God can do for you.

And that's just my opinion....for whatever it's worth.

Letter to Hank #9 - Growing Pains

My My, you've grown! You are 11 months old and are a little boy now. Not a snuggly bundle of baby mush but a boy getting ready to walk and hit more milestones every week!

We can see your emotions and I saw a full on pout the other day. That bottom lip pooched out and later on I'll have to remember that I wanted to just grab it and kiss it. Later on I might wish you didn't have a mouth; all traces of cuteness gone replaced with angst and raw willpower. I assume all this about teenagers only because that was me. You aren't me and how thankful I am for that!

I still don't think it's set in that I'm your Momma. I'm a Mom?!? What?? I have to teach you playground ethics, consequences, fun and moderation?? Biting is your favorite pastime right now - like you can't resist when you know that Mommy's underarm is just so soft and tender. Saying no somewhat calmly when you have a gopher attached to your pit isn't easy. You may be coming in for a kiss but you're sneaky and apt to bite and run. Hopefully, we can curb this before you start leaving teeth semicircles on stuff. Your crib has taken a beating already. And never mind my anxiety that I have lead paint in my house - oh lord.

And you take off your diaper at times when it negatively impacts your environment. When I've left you for a moment to play in your crib is not the time. I know YOU thought it was funny! Beware, I have pictures of you in there with a piddle puddle and I know how to use them.

Your hair is growing to long to stand up and that makes me sad. I've had so much pleasure messing your hair up out of the Tom Brokaw doo that it naturally falls into...sigh, just like your Daddy. Now I use a little product and get a really good fauxhawk but out in public you just have sweet baby hair. I still joke that I kiss your head so much I'll give you a receding hairline. And I KNOW you have flash spots in your eyes from the constant pictures, sorry if you get cataracts later cuz of us!

We are coming to the end of nursing and that is bittersweet. I'm gonna miss you. It's been hard at times but I'll never ever regret the mastitis, lugging that pump around, or the care that I took to keep milk ready for you always despite lack of support. I wasn't willing to just quit when it got tough. It was so worth it. We may not have prevented colds like the books say but we're a Momma and Baby team. Here I go for my first real letting go event. I'll grieve a little but we're ready.

Dressing you is an adventure. Period.

Your motto is: Outta my way!

Hank, you never have gone though separation anxiety. For me that's wonderful! I don't worry about you (only in this situation!) You don't fuss when I leave at daycare or in the church nursery - which is really cool cuz other ones do so I feel a little proud of us heehee.

I call you Pootie a lot.

You put yourself to sleep at night! Even if you still don't sleep through the night but you'll get there one day. You have to or I'll just slip you a roofie. I kid, I kid....

I carry you on my back like a little bug and you don't mind. I think the only things you really do mind are green veggies and getting a diaper change. i guess you think flopping around like a fish is gonna make me not do it but your dead wrong. You stink, boy.

I'm planning your 1st Birthday party this weekend. I know I have 4 weeks left but this is a big deal. You made it. I made it. Your Daddy made it. And that's something to celebrate!

Not Even a Good Title

I suppose I should explain my hiatus - or my hi-anus as my Mom would say. Bless her heart, she has her own language that continues to make me giggle under my breath so as to not CONSTANTLY correct her. Once you get it though it's entertaining and understandable. Not much else in the world has both of those qualities.

By the end of January I began to go into a pit. I've described it before. January through March is tough - we are in the thick of winter and this year was particularly bad. It was colder than a brass monkey and for WAY too long.

**Sidenote: I'm in a coffee shop enjoying an hour without my boyz and, holy cow, a guy just showed up in an electric blue satin pant suit. The glare is killing my corneas so excuse me while I let this pass....good lord....it's hard to not point but I have no one to point it out to ( yeah!) . Dude, get out of the sun!! Do you think you're Usher?? Ack!**

ok, where was I....oh yeah, my hiatus. I love Spring and not just for the allergies but for the emergence of everything wonderful. In the end of winter life feels much too heavy and I'm extraordinarily unmotivated but warm weather brings with it light and lightness of heart. I look around and realize what I have let slide but the work to correct this is so refreshing and beautiful. Marriage included.

That's where I am now. It doesn't really matter where I've been but that I made it here at this moment to enjoy my family again. G Dub and I have been squaballing (i don't know how to spell that) a lot until we have noticed that to be understood and taken seriously you have to use words that have more than 4 letters. And say a lot of them. Name calling isn't going to motivate anyone to change. I'd like for someone to show me an example of reverse psychology actually working... It doesn't. Ever.

** OMG, this coffee gave me the shakes so bad i may just leave all the typos in here just to make it interesting**

But other than family infighting I haven't really been inspired by much lately. Other than watching Hank turn into a little boy, which is the most marvelous transformation, I don't sit and ponder stuff. Well, I do but it's in soundbytes. I wonder about it off it goes into oblivion before i get a chance to write it down. Dang thats a drag cuz I've come up with some pretty ridiculous crap lately :D!

**Wow, there a lot of yuppies around here.**

Most importantly the state of transition has kept me in awe of the world. What is more certain than death and taxes? Change.
Embracing it can prove to be difficult but who emerges ( there's that word again) is someone more enlightened, more aware, or more scared, or ________ ( insert an emotion). I see changes in me and watch change in the ones I love and how they respond to it. These responses make an impression.

Many changes I am so glad to see, others not so much. But as a whole concept I LOVE it! I've said this many times. Yada yada yada.
I'm off now to see more. Teach kids and just try to tell me that isn't a profound amount of transition!

**Song on iTunes = Jesus Built my HotRod by Ministry LOOOVE IT!**

Maybe next time I won't blather on so much....but isn't that why you read this??? ;D

Goodbye Turkey!

This is Hank's slogan - but you have to say it in your best Jerry Reed " She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft" voice. We say it when he leaves the room in his walker. My oh my, no drawer pull, knob, button or slip of paper is safe!

This AM started early but with the energy of Taz. I somehow coaxed him into a tiny nap, ate breakfast and then made the mistake of sitting him his walker as I needed 2 hands for something. He took OFF screaming around every curve and obstacle! So off I go following after him looking for what we have left out on accident that he'll snatch up and cram in his mouth.

This is what it sounded like today: pull, touch, grab, bite, throw, pull, drop, chase, grab, rip, mouth, chew, grab, lick, rip, rip ,rip, eat, pull, bite, drop, gag, touch, grab, eat, eat, eat, chase, touch, clean out mouth, drop, grab, rip, chew, touch...on and on.

He made the first of many many messes today as he bee lined for the garbage can AGAIN - I swear I only turned my head, not my body, just my head and he dive bombed into the fresh coffee grounds from breakfast. Yep, he chewed 'em too. Ewwwww, wet coffee all down the front of him and the walker! And you know how a walker is shaped at the bottom, like a swiffer, that just made the grounds distribute easily around the kitchen floor. I tried to get pics as I was stroking out and I had already cleaned his mouth a little.





Oh yeah and you know that sticky lotion Aquaphor? I tried to slather him down with that and a big bubble of it popped out of the tube and landed in the window blinds behind the changing table - Hank proceeded to run his head through it before I could hog tie him with the sleeves of his jammies! So, he was covered in coffee and now has greasy, sticky hair! BTW he got really PO'd when I tried to clean it up - OMG! He looked like a baby orangutan.



Whew - what a day! But I loved it. No, really!

SnowDen

After a week of a sick baby I finally got to venture outside for something other than rushing to work for a 4 hour marathon of work duties. I've worked 3 half days this week and so has G Dub - it's finally Friday and we are definitely thankful.

Luckily, the snow held out for the end of the week. Going home early was actually a necessity today and I got to join all the state employees who think that 3 snowflakes is justification for staying home.

Hank was sleeping and I bundled up for a walk in the snow. We very rarely see this kind of weather and it was reminiscent of growing up in Missouri when my Dad would throw me into the snow drifts off the front porch. We don't have that much snow, of course, but it still brought up memories.

My boots crunching the ice, I just walked around the block. I was toasty warm. The sky had a glow to it from the city lights striking the dense clouds. Snow clouds seem so think and full. I smelled wood smoke from warm home fires. I walked slowly. Our neighborhood is normally bustling but tonight it's so still. Quiet. It's only 6pm. I got to walk on a street that on any other night would be suicide to walk down. The occasional car was fun to watch creep up a hill - snow slowed everyone down. I made fresh footsteps.

Neighbor kids were sledding down my street. You know I can't see that without joining in and sled down at top speed with hands raised high. I think the last time I did that I was being thrown into the snow drifts and not going nearly that fast. We had a blast. When I went inside I realized that my butt skin was so cold that I couldn't feel any sensation. I called in G Dub to feel it and we laughed.

What a superb night. Simple, easy and free. Tomorrow I'll face the nasty, dirty, slushy, salty streets that leave ice turds under your car. Back to the grind.

Letter to Hank #8 - Peace of Mind

Just when I think I might throw myself off a cliff I collect my thoughts, reasses the situation and remember I'm your Momma and it's a brand new year! Does it sound like I'm struggling to be a woman, a wife, a mother, a worker bee, a friend, a maid, a cook ( even if it's a bad one), a laundress, your milk factory and distributer, lightening fast butt cleaner, pacifier catcher, ummm, what else? Oh yeah...sex kitten. I clearly forgot that one. Ugh.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep but I don't feel like I do anything very well. And not that I had high standards before, but, you see, that's the problem! I'm a half asser! I get something about half done then something comes up and I go to the next thing - dang, if I do have the time to finish something now I just don't because I don't even think I know HOW to ahahah! Wait a minute, I think I was a half asser before you were born so now I'm a fourth asser ( doing exactly half of the half I was doing before!)

You're growing up just fine and are so delicious. We've been calling you that for months and apparently it's a pretty common term - I read it on Goose Bump's blog today! Everywhere we take you you think it's a social event, like you are supposed to get your own entrance music or something! 2001 Space Odyssey is so cliche - you're more of a Raiders of the Lost Ark kind of fella. You'll need to be at least 15 for the Darth Vader theme - sorry your bad ass days are coming soon enough.
I need a dollar for all the ladies that call you handsome. Next time I hear it I'll say " Pay up Sista, this guy's got college to pay for someday". We'll be rich in no time! But you'll be kinda jaded too.

You're Grandaddy sure does think you are the bees knees. I heard that somewhere recently but I don't really understand the meaning. He's in the hospital right now and he says you are his therapy - his incentive to get better. I know for a fact he isn't the only one that thinks that way. And I'm pretty sure that Grammie and Grandpappy didn't mind getting Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease as long as it came from you and not some crumbsnatcher sitting in a grocery store buggy. ;D
The word Crumbsnatcher was stolen from a redneck acquaintance and I promise to try to not damage your psyche by calling you that - but it does make me laugh when I say it so beware as it may become a term of endearment one day.

Your sleeping positions are a hoot and I risk waking you up to get a picture. I dont want to just have stories, I want to remember it and how sappy sugery sweet it is to watch you sleeping away.





You hardly look like a baby anymore. You have little boy whispy hair, you talk up a storm and are hell on wheels in a walker. Your little sock feet take you everywhere. Hank, you will be a man that goes for what you want. I know this because you dive bomb to grab stuff off the floor, try to fly out of our arms and know where you want to go. AND thankfully you want to get there as fast as possible!

A Little Sensitivity, Please

Luckily there are enough causes to go around. Just listen to the local news and you can pick anything from literacy, drug intervention, child welfare, you name it. Hopefully it touches your heart and possibly calls you to action.

My personal cause is homelessness. Now, specifically, childhood homelessness. There are so many issues that seem unnecessary in this world but I understand that the complexity of the situation warrants more empathy and compassion than I give it. It’s annoyingly self righteous of me or anyone else to mention that there are plenty of shelters and food banks in our city and that help is there if a person is resourceful enough to get it. The fact is, there isn’t enough help in our cities and the homeless population is growing. That makes me weep at times when I really think about this with an open heart.
Add innocent children into this and I actually have to walk away from my thoughts because it’s too painful. They are in my prayer earnestly every night and I feel my involvement falls way too short of what my mind's eye sees me doing.

But does it call me to action? Yes.

I’m not going to boast about what I do here but I do want to encourage you or your family to pick a cause – anything that touches your life – and grow by helping in some way. It takes you out of your comfort zone and raises emotions that you maybe never thought you had or do not want to explore. But that’s ok – I feel alive when I’m a little or very uncomfortable and have grown every time I do it. No regrets.

An interaction I had this morning sparked this blog. I try not to think of myself as a particularly insensitive person but, whoa, I got a lesson in sensitivity today.
A man was selling copies of The Contributor on campus. If you don’t know what that is it’s a program for homeless residents (what an oxymoron) to earn money. If you ever see anyone selling it – buy it. All the profits go toward the vendor and their survival and the paper is enlightening about the real issues surrounding the homeless written by experienced men and women.

This morning I spoke with the vendor as I got out my money – it’s only a dollar but I had to dig for it out of my really disorganized bag. I asked him about his weekend and he about mine. On the topic of the weather we both look forward to it warming up in a few days. Mindlessly, I mentioned that my family was a little crazy with cabin fever…..wa what?!? I immediately felt small as his response told me that he didn’t have a cabin.
Damn. I had to leave profusely wishing him a great day….yeah, a great day in the cold. But he smiled and wished me well. As I walked away, I surveyed myself with my wellness that I take for granted. Sometimes it takes an angel to reflect our image back to ourselves.

I’m very sorry that my lesson had to be at his expense. Apparently, I need more training. I'll work on it and that's a promise.