Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Forgiveness Patience and Scratching My Eyes Out

What is the indication that it's been too long since I've blogged? I've had to reset my password. My oh my how crazy does it have to be for me to not write. As always, I do most of my writing in my head so technically I've been forming thoughts just not ones for the blogosphere.

I need to continue with my letters to my children but, honestly, there are no words to put in perspective the joy and madness that makes our family unit. Hank is 3 and Max is 8 months. Momma and Dadda feel 80 and have the grey hair to back it up.

Since I last wrote Hank has been potty trained (YEAH!! YEAH YEAH!), has learned the Pledge of Allegiance, knows sign language, started preschool and hates me for it, and can say NO with amazing skill and defiance. Max is 20 pounds of lovin. He's crawling to get away from Hank, got 2 teeth, deftly opening kitchen drawers, sustaining bruises from exploring and making sure the everything is thoroughly tasted.

Momma and Dadda are consistently trying to find more hours in the day, nagging each other about how few hours there are to work with in a day, and kissing as much as possible to not miss the joy of life. It's like you go back to courting sometimes where you derive as much sensuality from a long drawn out kiss as you did before you got all jiggy wid it.

Joy. Now there is something to write about. It comes and goes but I'm control freak enough to want it all the time!
I going to come right out and say that I feel self absorbed right now only because I think in a totally different way than before kids. I don't relate to others in the lighthearted way I used to and now catch myself staying in the realm of doing stuff not in the enjoying stuff. Must work on that because time is passing by and I better see it in all it's glory.

Work. Now that's a topic that gives me more peace then I ever thought I'd get from employment. I go to work to RELAX! I work and deal with semi rational humans. No one is screaming. No one is kicking or if they do it's on the sly because I don't see it. These adults ask me for things too but I can get a certain amount of enjoyment from accomplishing something more than household monotony. And I have boundaries at work to help my poor brain let loose for a few hours. I've noticed that people or things do not get me upset like before kids. I just can't care too much that the copier is out of paper. It's only paper and I deal with keeping youngun's alive...seriously, lets get some perspective here puleez.

Hank is heading full into manhood, so he thinks, and dealing with guiding him to be a civil man is proving to be beyond what G and I thought we were up for. Being nice doesn't work and being corporal doesn't work. Momma is trying hard not to damage his psyche this early but life has to happen. All we can do it shrug our shoulders, be there lovingly when we can and teach as we go. My friend Lee Ann said it best " You don't need patience, you need ENDURANCE!" Oh yes, sista you got that right.
Actually, G and I are struggling. Not with our relationship but seeing the good in our lives. We have everything we could ever want, beautiful healthy kids, jobs, cars but aside from all that we have individual expectations and needs that are not getting met. And that happening over a long period of time is like a time bomb. Someone will explode and a house don't run well with guts all in it.

We've tried calendars, schedules, email alerts, free for all schedules where no one knows what the hell is going on, flying family in to help with kiddos, dates, and still there is not system that seems to work for us. Lots of patience and lots of forgiveness is about all that does work and that's good. That means we are till connected on a level separate from the surface. I get joy from that.

We are so blessed and this time is fleeting. So off I go to enjoy this day and the great people that are in it!

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