Life is hard. Wear a helmet.

It's not that I do not have much to inspire me these days it's just that I don't have the brain capacity to sit and think about it like I used to. I'll let it slide that I ended that sentence with a preposition because I really don't care as long as I get to say something that isn't in 3 word sentences or doesn't have anything to do with Caillou. I'll just be wrong.

I have quite a commute and I still listen to Bob Edwards as soon as i drop off Hank at daycare. It's like a link to the outside world. He interviews authors, teachers, political analyzers, comedians. These keep me up to date as opposed to the daily news of war, bad weather and crime. I can't hear about that shit anymore. It hurts my brain with it's slant and contradictory nature.
This is another reason that I still listen to Catholic radio. Not because I'm ever going to be Catholic but it's something to learn about something to care about and my brain smiles. The messages aren't even always positive but the whole message is and that's what fuels me during the day. That positive fuel that can keep a natural born cynic out of the icky depths.

Speaking of depths. Talking on the phone to someone who always has problems or is consistantly negative can keep you there. I've got one of those. I can empathize. I can be compassionate. But then I have to move on because I cannot fix what's wrong and the mental burden weighs heavy if I let it. I can be a listener but the internalization has to be blocked so I don't get bogged down too. My best friend gave her son, now 16, the best advice when he was young and she still uses it. "Life is hard. Wear a helmet." Short. Sweet. To the point. And harsh to some people but it's true. And the truth hurts sometimes. She may not have always made the best decisions but there is some wisdom for ya.

And life isn't always hard. It's mundane. It's elating. And it's a blessing. I'm sitting on my back porch listening to these retarded cicadas breeding everywhere. Today is warm and sunny; just beautiful. I'm pregnant and by myself for 2 whole hours while my boyz get a haircut. I'm surrounded by toys, a sandbox, stranded kid shoes and the little feet imprint in the sand made my Hank this morning as he played. I may get annoyed sometimes but even those kid shoes make me happy when I think of whose feet were in them.

Back to the Bob Edwards show. I know I know (eye roll). I listened to a sweet interview yesterday with George Carlin's girlfriend and it made me think of how wonderfully complex people are inside. He has been on my mind lately because I found it mildly ironic that he does the reading for the Thomas the Tank Engine kids series. HUH? George Carlin? Really? Yeah and Alec Baldwin does too so go figure. He doesn't strike me as the kid loving type given his history. Surely, he doesn't need money...

She painted an honest and unapologetic picture of someone coined as a real indecent ass to some. They never married but were hopelessly in love and he was a sap. A real honest to God teenager love sap! He wrote to her everyday and they talked into the night for years about everything - they were so connected and he never stopped courting her. That's what people wish for and here is a man known for tirades giving it so whole heartedly to her. What made her interview amazing was how described his comedy act - he didn't necessarily believe in his heart all the he spouted off but he was a performer and a show off just laying it out there for people to think about. Those words were what came to him but they were not his inner core beliefs. I found that fascinating because this applies to all of us. We are many people inside rising to the occasion of what is going on around us at the time. We need that. It's who we are as a species and is that 1% genetic separation between us and apes.

Uh oh, I just heard a car door close. The hurricane is home so I need to run an batten down the hatches!

Letter to Hank # 14- It's always something!

And it's something new everyday! I've talked exhausively about how fast time with you goes and it's wonderful. Even on the most challenging days, like right now!, you make me smile with your cheeky little face and long eye lashes. I can't write everything down that just cracks me up but here are a few examples of how your personality shines bright on rainy days:

The cicadas are out and you love carrying them saying "bu bu" since you haven't quite gotten the letter G yet. When they make a noise you yell " bu bite!". Even our dog when it gets a little annoyed with you and growls you say " dog bite boy!" and come running to me like i will protect you from the old fart of a dog and wouldn't hurt anyone

Another example of your language is my mom tried to get you to call her Grammie. You called her Mammie and put a stop to any preference training.

You have a cheeky walk when you are all full of yourself- you move your elbows very emphatically like "Here I come so look out"

Anything that hurts is a boo boo and fixable with booboo tape (scotch tape)

You refer to yourself as Baby or boy. Babies are also blankies or bugs. You tell them Bye when you walk past.

Any water is a bath and Mommy has the laundry to prove it

You spot bird poop and point it out to me

When you are bright and refreshed you make me bright and refreshed

Hank, you have joy in your eyes

You have no idea that you will have some serious competiton in 4 months. You point to my belly but don't really know...

You gave your first kiss to a neighbor girl and dang if it didn't look like something off the Young and the Restless!

Collectively, your daddy and I have been on this earth for nearly 80 years. You've been here for 2 and wear us out! A really hard part of all this is not having a lot of family in town. I have to be honest and say that the ones that are here see you about as often as Grammie from Raleigh. While that's sad what do you do? I'm not going to beg, they can make their own decisions, so I buck up to the fact that nights off are rare and you goes everywhere with me/us. Oh well, what do you do? You have cool babysitters! MIss Amber will be going away to college and while we celebrate her graduation it's still hard to see her go.
She loves you and we love her!

You are having a rough night tonight. Night night is not coming easy for whatever reason. But you'll get there eventually and be at peace. And so will I. Eventually.