Sunday, April 12, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
For Amber Waves of Guilt
If there is anything I can't stand it's asking someone to do a task for me that I am normally responsible for - even if I don't get it done in someone else's time frame or to their satisfaction, I still have a responsibility to do it. And I've slipped a bit during my "confinement" ( I just love that 16th century word) due to my body's response to this pregnancy, not my brain's.
With Gary working so much, like 2 jobs, and missing a lot of hours transporting me to Dr. appointments, attending doula appointments, birthing classes, church duties, doing finances, - I have this raging guilt that something like household management has gone out the window. It isn't for Gary's lack of trying - he has been doing an excellent job with what he has time for and without complaint. I seriously mean that. But it's killing me to have to ask for help with jobs that are more of a time imposition for him; jobs that are in of themselves time consuming and a real drag. Saying the words "I can't do it" just isn't easy. I slipped into a guilt funk the other day and with a good, long cry I hope I've admonished the urge to do something as nonsensical as risk my health just to do laundry. I have, in the past, seriously tried to summon a laundry genie to take over the duty so what's my problem?!
My problem is that my end of the marriage bargain is changing and I am lost like a fart in a whirlwind. I can't ask him to do any more for me. Gestation shouldn't be a full time job but, in my case, it now takes up my whole day. It has taken me 2 weeks to fully rest - from work duties, from swiffering the floors, from doing just one load of laundry, from just cleaning the bathroom this one time, from decatfurring the couch. And I normally do not keep a spotless house!? Seriously, there are small pockets of chaos that make our house comfy for us but a dirty bathroom or unchanged sheets isn't one of them.
Luckily, checking my social sites is considered resting :D and I've never wished so bad for a laptop - even a decrepit one!
So, what will I be doing after this munchkin is born? I can't even venture to answer. But I do see a serious, and maybe a little painful, restructure of our household. This is one of those things that you rationally know but you don't really KNOW until the day you go " Oh, yeah...." and crinkle your nose up. But we have to do it, just like everyone else in the world that we originally thought we would never be like HA!
But in the meantime, "Be the queen you are" is how my Dr. put bed rest. That's just not me since I think I have to earn what I get; nothing comes to me without work or management or SOMEthing. I'd make a terrible Queen and will always be a worker bee.
With Gary working so much, like 2 jobs, and missing a lot of hours transporting me to Dr. appointments, attending doula appointments, birthing classes, church duties, doing finances, - I have this raging guilt that something like household management has gone out the window. It isn't for Gary's lack of trying - he has been doing an excellent job with what he has time for and without complaint. I seriously mean that. But it's killing me to have to ask for help with jobs that are more of a time imposition for him; jobs that are in of themselves time consuming and a real drag. Saying the words "I can't do it" just isn't easy. I slipped into a guilt funk the other day and with a good, long cry I hope I've admonished the urge to do something as nonsensical as risk my health just to do laundry. I have, in the past, seriously tried to summon a laundry genie to take over the duty so what's my problem?!
My problem is that my end of the marriage bargain is changing and I am lost like a fart in a whirlwind. I can't ask him to do any more for me. Gestation shouldn't be a full time job but, in my case, it now takes up my whole day. It has taken me 2 weeks to fully rest - from work duties, from swiffering the floors, from doing just one load of laundry, from just cleaning the bathroom this one time, from decatfurring the couch. And I normally do not keep a spotless house!? Seriously, there are small pockets of chaos that make our house comfy for us but a dirty bathroom or unchanged sheets isn't one of them.
Luckily, checking my social sites is considered resting :D and I've never wished so bad for a laptop - even a decrepit one!
So, what will I be doing after this munchkin is born? I can't even venture to answer. But I do see a serious, and maybe a little painful, restructure of our household. This is one of those things that you rationally know but you don't really KNOW until the day you go " Oh, yeah...." and crinkle your nose up. But we have to do it, just like everyone else in the world that we originally thought we would never be like HA!
But in the meantime, "Be the queen you are" is how my Dr. put bed rest. That's just not me since I think I have to earn what I get; nothing comes to me without work or management or SOMEthing. I'd make a terrible Queen and will always be a worker bee.
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